It’s early morning and we get inter-office emails like any other day. But today’s message caught my eye. I guess it was suppose to inspirational, but it irked me to no end. The story goes:

Recently, in a large city in Australia, a poster featuring a young, thin and tan woman appeared in the window of a gym. It said, “This summer, do you want to be a mermaid or a whale?”

A middle-aged woman, whose physical characteristics did not match those of the woman on the poster, responded publicly to the question posed by the gym..

To Whom It May Concern,

Whales are always surrounded by friends (dolphins, sea lions, curious humans.) They have an active sex life, get pregnant and have adorable baby whales. They have a wonderful time with dolphins stuffing themselves with shrimp. They play and swim in the seas, seeing wonderful places like Patagonia, the Bering Sea and the coral reefs of Polynesia. Whales are wonderful singers and have even recorded CDs. They are incredible creatures and virtually have no predators other than humans.  They are loved, protected and admired by almost everyone in the world.

Mermaids don’t exist. If they did exist, they would be lining up outside the offices of Argentinean psychoanalysts due to identity crisis. Fish or human? They don’t have a sex life because they kill men who get close to them, not to mention how could they have sex? Just look at them … where is IT? Therefore, they don’t have kids either. Not to mention, who wants to get close to a girl who smells like a fish store?

The choice is perfectly clear to me:  I want to be a whale.

P.S. We are in an age when media puts into our heads the idea that only skinny people are beautiful, but I prefer to enjoy an ice cream with my kids, a good dinner with a man who makes me shiver, and a piece of chocolate with my friends. With time, we gain weight because we accumulate so much information and wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room, it distributes out to the rest of our bodies. So we aren’t heavy, we are enormously cultured, educated and happy. Beginning today, when I look at my butt in the mirror I will think, *Good grief, look how smart I am!*

What is wrong with this letter? Oh where do I start??

1. Ask any man “Mermaid or Whale”. I will bet you money the answer would be mermaid. That’s why they will risk death to get close to one.
2. Men might like a whale, but they won’t jerk off to one.
3. Whales are plain, you find them in nature. You see one occasionally.. woopidee dooda.
   Mermaids are mythical creatures, full of wonders and inspires great stories and religions.
4. If you’re fat, you’re fat. Admit it. Don’t argue about it and try and find some stupid ways of justifying it.
5. Body weight has no scientific or medical correlation to intelligence. Just because you’re fat, does not automatically make you smart. Vice versa, just because you’re skinny doesn’t make you stupid. To even suggest all your brain is in your ass is preposterous. Maybe your head is in your ass… too far up might I add.
6. Fat people are medically unhealthy. Same is true for overly skinny. So for your personal health sake and the sake of other people’s eye balls, get your head out of your ass and go to the Mermaid Gym and drop some whale blubber. It’ll provide illumination to the Inuit culture for a month.
7. To suggest fatness breeds culture is equally absurd. I dare venture to say that fit people are more cultured. They don’t have a body image issue, they’re less repulsive, they’re less likely to have depression and therefore a much more up-beat personality. Nobody likes a bitter cow… oh sorry, whale.
8. Mermaids are equally good singers, if not better than whales. Why else would grown sailors risk the treacherous waters to get to them based on the melody and voice alone? I have never heard anyone swim out to sea just to see a whale.
9. Fundamental Philosophical existence argument error. If you have been cultured enough (with your ginormous ass or not) to take Philosophy 101, you would’ve learned this: Just because something exists, or is natural doesn’t automatically make it better, or right. This is a fundamental argument error. And since it’s philosophical, you can’t argue against it, you’ll just create a loop of never ending arguments.
10. Why is the whole baby thing even brought up? How does having whale babies any more attractive or appealing than being a whale yourself? I reckon mermaids have a wonderful sex life. For all you know, they’re doing some kind of psychological mind f*ck. After all, whales are surrounded by other fat sea mammals (dolphins, sea lions), while mermaid are surrounded by 6 pack ab’ed merman carrying rather large tridents.
11. And seriously… if a mermaid will smell like a fish store, then the whale must be like the entire wharf – just like a fish store, only jumbo. How is that an argument in your favour?

Seriously woman, take the next grease soaked complaint letter, scrunch it up, and throw it in the garbage can filled with pizza boxes and burger wrappers. You can use that physical energy and whatever little mental power it took you to write the goddamn thing to drag yourself out of that oversized chair (hopefully you haven’t stuck to) and go run a lap or two. Maybe you’ll even get a merman trainer.

Fitness is a choice. Live with the one you’ve made for yourself and shut up. The truth is, media or no media, everyone wants to be beautiful. If you’re beaufitul and at peace with it, you shouldn’t need to argue. Last I checked, whales aren’t capable of human speech anyway.